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Thanks
- Hannah x

Note to Self
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Dear Hannah,

It's been almost four months since you left University and quite frankly, you need to start making your mind up about what you're doing with your life. You've spent your time lately bitching, moaning and complaining but you're still not any closer to making a decision about the next step.

I appreciate which ever path you take, it'll be scary, but it's got to better than sitting at home with Mum and Dad night after night. Okay, so people at work might make you feel bad if you leave, but hell, it's not like your job has a contracted time span. You need to stop thinking about everyone around you and start thinking about yourself.

You're better than a supermarket and you know it. There's so much for you to do- travelling, working, further education. Money is an object but there are ways to fund it- okay, so you've sort of given up on TEFL but why? Because you're afraid you'll be a bad teacher. But Hannah, you've never even TRIED. And you can't get a job in Europe? Then go to Asia! But what about the recommendation letters? You don't know until you ask.

Hannah, I'm frustrated with you. You keep putting up mental barriers to every decision you ever make without ever really trying. I know you like your comfort zone but I know this isn't the life you want and you know, deep down that the person with the power to change it is you.

And I know you're still sad about University and graduation and leaving your friends, but you know what, get over it. It was never going to last forever and you've got to learn to accept that. And think about how much more you'll be able to do now because you've finished your degree. And your friends will always support you and they'll still be there when you get back from whatever you want to do. You always have to accept that whatever decision you make you'll be sacrificing something but it won't be forever. It's a part of life.

So start thinking really hard and make your mind up. It could be the start of a wonderful new phase of your life. You're a strong person and you can do it.

Love, Yourself. xx
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Let me get what I want...
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I'm not sure why I'm putting myself through this whole Working at Morrisons/Living at Home thing when all it seems to be doing is making me increasingly miserable.

Today... was not a particularly good day at work. This was predominantly because the actual deli supervisor came in to have a look- I was going to write 'my' supervisor but as I now am one, she technically isn't. Well, it wasn't great. Firstly, she made no effort to speak to me but kept saying 'I could cry- my counter looks crap' and was speaking to a lady I work with saying stuff like 'I know what's been going on since I've been gone and when I get back heads are going to roll' Ummmm? Finally, I went out to front of the counter and spoke to her. I jokingly asked 'How do you put up with all this shit?' and got nicely told that 'You just aren't tough enough' and that I shouldn't try to change anything because everyone is set in their ways and that I'll find it easier when I move department as I'll have another supervisor to support me and that I'm 'isolated at the moment'. I don't know, the whole exchange struck me as snide and slightly bitchy. I can't decide if she was just giving me frank advice (I'm aware I need to be more assertive- that's one of the reasons I wanted to be a supervisor) or warning me off her patch as it were. Mum and Dad think she's got a case of sour grapes and I do think that is probably a part of it. But there's nothing physically stopping her being at work; she's got a load of personal shit going on but if she wanted to be at work, she could be.

It just knocked my confidence a bit. She's been my supervisor for two years, some support would be nice, you know? Some actual helpful advice as opposed to bitchy comments. Because honestly, I'm struggling to adapt to the added pressure. I suddenly have so much more to do and I'm responsible for a whole department and delegating the work of several other people. It's a big learning curve for me, I have no experience in this kind of position. I have been given almost zero training and just dumped into this role where I suddenly have to do everything, which I don't always have time for and it's hard work and I don't feel like anyone is behind me. I just feel really frustrated and that its all my fault.

I know I'm not going to be there forever and I don't want to change anything dramatic, but I also find it frustrating that my supervisor seems to think she's some sort of genius at her job. Don't get me wrong, she is good but she isn't perfect. Her waste and reductions are high, she finds it impossible to delegate (One of the problems I'm facing as supervisor is that I don't know how to do half of the paperwork because no one has ever shown me), and she's often a walk-over. I think I found the 'tough' comment tought to take because with her staff she can be a complete wimp. She's let people get away with being lazy on her department and then given them more hours, rewarding their behaviour and agreed to shift changes at the drop of a hat. One of the things she said that did irritate me was that I shouldn't try to change anything because she's heard 'snippets' about what I've been doing. The fuck? I haven't changed anything. The only 'radical' thing I've done is tell everyone that if they want a day off they have to let me know three weeks in advance. This isn't even me being a bitch, this is company policy which she has never adhered to. Any changes are coming from Managers, not from me.

I don't know, I'm just questioning why the hell I'm doing this. I was speaking to a guy on my department who leaves next week to move to France for six months and that's what I want to do. Get out of this city, get out of this country and experience life. I just hate how I feel at the moment, which is essentially, not like myself. I'm well aware that I have quite erratic moods but at the moment I'm regularly grumpy and miserable and sometimes, not nice. I feel like my happy, funny side has been a little lost; I feel like this grumpy, bitchy, gripey person. I wanted the supervisor position for the extra money and for the experience in that sort of role. And I'm starting to think why. My ultimate career plan is to be an archivist and if I get into that its still going to be decades before I achieve any sort of managerial role in that field. Is this really going to help me in my career? Or is it just creating undue stress?

I'm torn in my options at the moment. Since Rach has come home as well, I don't know whether or not I still want to move in with her. I'm desperate to travel but there's another part of me that wants to live somewhere where all my stuff is together, where I can start thinking about my career. Then there's the part of me that wants to take the next flight going anywhere and just see what happens, but then I'd spend all my money and would just have to come back and be in exactly the same position. Either way, I feel I'm sacrificing something. I know that's life. And I know that four months down the line there's every chance I'll be jetting off somewhere to each foreign children bad english. But four months is a long time to be miserable, and I don't know if the gains are going to be worth it.

It sounds silly, but I think it would be different if I could drive already. It's going to take me a while yet to pass my test and the whole point of coming home was to do my test and earn money. If I go travelling, I'll still have to come back and do that. The sensible bit of my brain says 'Stick with it for now, save some money, pass your test and then do whatever the hell you like'. The not so sensible part of my self says 'Take your Grandparents money and hit the continent'.

Gah. All I know is there's got to be more to life than this crap. And what frustrates me is that its not like it really matters- who gives a shit if we run out of a brand of cheese? But I still stick with it.

And now I'm rambling and making no sense. Any advice or hugs would be most gratefully received.
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Life right now
faery_lights

Mood: Confused

Work: Frustrating

Revision: Non-existent

Boys: A clever balance of confusing and awesome

Doctor Who: Good and getting better

Post University Plans at Present: Travel. Lots of travel. And a car. I need a car

Jaffa Cakes: Delicious

Menorca: One month today

Driving test: Scarily soon

21st Birthday: One week tomorrow.

And this is my life right now. Lots of good, lots of bad. I just need it to be June 4th now.

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Holiday please!
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I've been thinking and one of the things I want to do this year, after graduation, is go away for at least a weekend, by myself. I love my friends, I love my family, but I think that after 3 years of hard work, the least I can do is give myself a little headspace. I'm thinking somewhere cottagey in Wales, a warm fire, a heap of books, wine, and a week largely spent in my pyjamas. A little like The Holiday, only without the break-up, it being Christmas and without Jude Law walking into my life. (Actually, if a Jude Law look-a-like walked into my life I probably wouldn't moan too much)

This main thing dependent on this is, of course, passing my driving test but I have now officially 'learnt' everything so now it's lots and lots of practice, which makes me very hopeful :). Because I want to be in a cottage with a fire and Harry Potter, sort of now.

Handy(wo)man Hannah
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I just fixed a hoover by myself. I'm rather proud and also my cleaness is soothed by the fact that it picks up dirty again (it was blocked). This is a hideously mundane thing, but I did it by myself. The path is independence is paved with the mundane, I am discovering.

I'm actually having a pretty bleh weekend; the only housemates home are the housmates I hate and planning my dissertation is far more complicated than I actually bargained for. I'm off out this afternoon to be the ultimate Valentine's cliche- yes, I'm going with my single friends to see a rom-com. I feel slightly dirty. Or that's possibly the dust from the hoover on my feet.

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I'm feeling marginally smug. They've changed the way they return our marks this year so I checked my old modules on our Blackboard Interactive site and saw a tab called 'results'. It opened to an excel document full of all our essay marks (all done anonymously with our student numbers, no ones names), which was cool as I knew all my marks anyway. What I didn't know is that last semester, based on essay marks, I came top of both modules =D Nigel Aston (Satan disgused as a lecturer) has given out ONE first so far in our French Revolution module, to me (actually, it's really random. There's all these 59s and 64s and then there's this lone 77) and for Church and State I got the only two firsts he gave out. Okay, so my confidence as a historian has been growing since I started University but to be top of two modules in my third year? That's insane: I'm the girl who barely scraped a B at A Level. My exam marks will probably knock them down but I'm on a bit of a high knowing this. He obviously likes the way I write.

This will all change when he reads my next essay on Napoleon Bonaparte
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(no subject)
faery_lights
Because I am (evidently) many high levels of awesome, this morning I passed my Driving Theory test- on the multiple choice questions I got 50/50 and on the Hazard Perception I got 62/75.

I'm feeling slightly smug and proud of myself, particularly as yesterday I did a bay park perfectly on my first attempt.

=D

I'm glad I didn't tell too many people either- Dani and Jane knew (and you lot) and then a few random people I didn't know very well. New people at work and a girl I did a presentation with for example- I was carrying my own expectations I didn't need to worry about everybody else's. I'll probably do the same when I take my practical test.
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10 Things I Hate About Mondays
som/hp
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So far today I have

1) Fallen down the stairs

2) Discovered the world's biggest spot on the side of my head.

3) Tripped over my clothes airer.

4) Accidentally dyed the Bathroom Mats purple.

5) Forgot about a cup of tea so drank it cold.

6) Been unable to submit my dissertation report online.

7) Forgot my iTunes password.

8) Lost my House Keys

9) Stubbed my toe on my weighing scales.

10) Got toothpaste down my newly clean shirt.

Today, I am eschewing my lecture in the hope that by the time I go out this evening at 7.30pm the cosmic forces or something will have balanced themselves out so I'm not a complete idiot and can actually function normally.
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Still living with retards
som/hp
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Our shower broke this morning. I was the second person to use the shower and recognise that there was a problem. Who phoned George?Yes, me, AGAIN *sigh* This means I also regressed 15 years by washing my hair in the bath and freaking out when the Shampoo got in my eyes.

I'm also currently waging a passive agressive war over a radiator. God, I hate this house.

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