- Let me get what I want...
- August 28th, 2010
I'm not sure why I'm putting myself through this whole Working at Morrisons/Living at Home thing when all it seems to be doing is making me increasingly miserable.
Today... was not a particularly good day at work. This was predominantly because the actual deli supervisor came in to have a look- I was going to write 'my' supervisor but as I now am one, she technically isn't. Well, it wasn't great. Firstly, she made no effort to speak to me but kept saying 'I could cry- my counter looks crap' and was speaking to a lady I work with saying stuff like 'I know what's been going on since I've been gone and when I get back heads are going to roll' Ummmm? Finally, I went out to front of the counter and spoke to her. I jokingly asked 'How do you put up with all this shit?' and got nicely told that 'You just aren't tough enough' and that I shouldn't try to change anything because everyone is set in their ways and that I'll find it easier when I move department as I'll have another supervisor to support me and that I'm 'isolated at the moment'. I don't know, the whole exchange struck me as snide and slightly bitchy. I can't decide if she was just giving me frank advice (I'm aware I need to be more assertive- that's one of the reasons I wanted to be a supervisor) or warning me off her patch as it were. Mum and Dad think she's got a case of sour grapes and I do think that is probably a part of it. But there's nothing physically stopping her being at work; she's got a load of personal shit going on but if she wanted to be at work, she could be.
It just knocked my confidence a bit. She's been my supervisor for two years, some support would be nice, you know? Some actual helpful advice as opposed to bitchy comments. Because honestly, I'm struggling to adapt to the added pressure. I suddenly have so much more to do and I'm responsible for a whole department and delegating the work of several other people. It's a big learning curve for me, I have no experience in this kind of position. I have been given almost zero training and just dumped into this role where I suddenly have to do everything, which I don't always have time for and it's hard work and I don't feel like anyone is behind me. I just feel really frustrated and that its all my fault.
I know I'm not going to be there forever and I don't want to change anything dramatic, but I also find it frustrating that my supervisor seems to think she's some sort of genius at her job. Don't get me wrong, she is good but she isn't perfect. Her waste and reductions are high, she finds it impossible to delegate (One of the problems I'm facing as supervisor is that I don't know how to do half of the paperwork because no one has ever shown me), and she's often a walk-over. I think I found the 'tough' comment tought to take because with her staff she can be a complete wimp. She's let people get away with being lazy on her department and then given them more hours, rewarding their behaviour and agreed to shift changes at the drop of a hat. One of the things she said that did irritate me was that I shouldn't try to change anything because she's heard 'snippets' about what I've been doing. The fuck? I haven't changed anything. The only 'radical' thing I've done is tell everyone that if they want a day off they have to let me know three weeks in advance. This isn't even me being a bitch, this is company policy which she has never adhered to. Any changes are coming from Managers, not from me.
I don't know, I'm just questioning why the hell I'm doing this. I was speaking to a guy on my department who leaves next week to move to France for six months and that's what I want to do. Get out of this city, get out of this country and experience life. I just hate how I feel at the moment, which is essentially, not like myself. I'm well aware that I have quite erratic moods but at the moment I'm regularly grumpy and miserable and sometimes, not nice. I feel like my happy, funny side has been a little lost; I feel like this grumpy, bitchy, gripey person. I wanted the supervisor position for the extra money and for the experience in that sort of role. And I'm starting to think why. My ultimate career plan is to be an archivist and if I get into that its still going to be decades before I achieve any sort of managerial role in that field. Is this really going to help me in my career? Or is it just creating undue stress?
I'm torn in my options at the moment. Since Rach has come home as well, I don't know whether or not I still want to move in with her. I'm desperate to travel but there's another part of me that wants to live somewhere where all my stuff is together, where I can start thinking about my career. Then there's the part of me that wants to take the next flight going anywhere and just see what happens, but then I'd spend all my money and would just have to come back and be in exactly the same position. Either way, I feel I'm sacrificing something. I know that's life. And I know that four months down the line there's every chance I'll be jetting off somewhere to each foreign children bad english. But four months is a long time to be miserable, and I don't know if the gains are going to be worth it.
It sounds silly, but I think it would be different if I could drive already. It's going to take me a while yet to pass my test and the whole point of coming home was to do my test and earn money. If I go travelling, I'll still have to come back and do that. The sensible bit of my brain says 'Stick with it for now, save some money, pass your test and then do whatever the hell you like'. The not so sensible part of my self says 'Take your Grandparents money and hit the continent'.
Gah. All I know is there's got to be more to life than this crap. And what frustrates me is that its not like it really matters- who gives a shit if we run out of a brand of cheese? But I still stick with it.
And now I'm rambling and making no sense. Any advice or hugs would be most gratefully received.